I spend a lot of time protecting myself. I like to think that my anger takes the shape of a cute little porcupine in a red cape who comes to my rescue every time my soft, squishy, beating heart might be exposed and make me look vulnerable. She sounds a lot like Louise from ‘Bob’s Burgers’. She’s a yeller. I talk about this a lot in therapy. It’s one of the reasons that I do comedy. It’s the perfect defense mechanism that lets you talk about serious stuff without sitting across from one of your friends at a coffee shop, crying and making them really uncomfortable. But I’ve done that too. Sorry friend I made feel uncomfortable, I know that was messy and really ugly, but your makeup looked so good. Feelings are real things, you guys. It’s just that being vulnerable is one of my least favorite. I refrain from opening myself to people and handing them my insides. Most of the time I feel like it’s just easier to take care of things myself. So I do.
I don’t fall in to relationships very easily because of this, too. I’m usually waiting for that moment when I’m about to get fucked over. And when I do, I always say, “You’re better off alone.” Ugh. I need more wine. I’m so gross and whiny. But I’m jealous of people who can open up and do. They open themselves over and over again no matter what happened the last time. Me? I’m like, “Let’s talk about how I wanted to fucking murder so and so…”. I’m hyper guarded and when this comes up, people usually want to know, “Who broke you the last time?” Or, geez. Pause. Just ‘geez’.
Recently I’ve been dating someone. I can’t say that it’s going to be anything permanent, but it’s going well despite a lot of the conversations we had to have very early on. I struggle with anxiety and depression and he understood that, so I thought, on some level, I had found someone who was a kindred spirit and not afraid of me because I’m on anti-depressants. I have found it difficult to explain this to people that haven’t experienced that kind of thing, so having someone that already gets it really took care of a lot. This has been going on for a couple months and some weeks. We are calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. He’s talked to me about moving in together “I could totally live with you”. He’s picked me up from the airport “It’s a nice thing to do.” He’s into me “I’m not going to say it until you do.” He is dedicated to breaking down my walls “I don’t know what kind of skinny jean wearing douchebags you’ve dated in the past, but geez.” Just ‘geez’. I like(d) him.
I call a friend, fucking terrified about what was happening to me and she told me that everything was going to be ok, he was just poking at my heart in a way that it hadn’t been for a long, long time. Basically an eternity. We have jet packs now. Breathed a sigh of relief and assured myself that I would take things day by day. One thing I was missing, though, was that giddy, stupid, OMFuckingG he’s so totally great and I’m so into this. What was holding me back? Was I really struggling this much to just let it all hang out? Maybe I’m more of a slow burn kind of girl, but I also really started to trust him.
Here’s the thing: something might’ve happened. It’s totally possible. If it did, though, I think I would’ve heard about it. I haven’t heard a missing person’s report, either, but he’s missing. Like seriously. Dropped off the face of the planet. DID HE GET ABDUCTED BY A PACK OF WOLVES IN THE NIGHT? DID HE GET HIRED TO GO ON A SPECIAL, TOP SECRET MISSION TO FIGHT SOMALIAN PIRATES AND COULDN’T TELL ANYONE OR LEAVE A NOTE? BECAUSE THESE ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY TWO THINGS I CAN THINK OF. But seriously guys I have no clue and I love mysteries so this is all very frustrating. There have been no responses to phone messages or texts. Are we breaking up? I have no idea because I haven’t talked to him. Are we still together? I don’t know! Should I keep looking at one bedroom apartments in Bensonhurst with a washer and dryer and move in, get a dog and wait for him? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Again?
It should come as no surprise to anyone that this happens a lot. One guy I dated made me feel like I was doing all the driving in the relationship, so I handed him the keys to the car and as far as I knew he crashed the car and ended up naked in a ditch somewhere outside of Florida. His body was never recovered and a missing persons report was never filed, but then I saw him at a Memorial Day BBQ so I guess he’s fine now.
Everyone, this is not ok. Guys. Gals. No one should be doing this. Even if using your words to say that you’re “just not interested.” No one can argue with you. Seriously. It usually ends up being more of a “thanks for telling me” kind of thing. And what in God’s name makes you think that it’s easier to just not respond? We are fucking grownups you guys, and I don’t want to put out a mother fucking Amber Alert every time one of you goes missing. That would be abusing who it’s actually for. Children. It’s actually for children. For something serious. Not for you not answering a text message. This is breaking people. Literally breaking them down. It’s not a respectful way to treat people. It’s cowardly and it makes people go banana phone. Ring! Ring! Hello? No one loves you CLICK. Stop pranking me! Instead of pushing people deeper and deeper into their insecurities like being vulnerable and asking for help, FOR EXAMPLE, why don’t you just tell me what you would like to say. Because if you don’t, I will find you in 6 years for our wedding. Our dog, Ghost, is the ring bearer. I named him after you.